McLovin Ramiz Raja

With your DMs open, you sometimes get some weird weird things. Recently I had abuse me for days because I wouldn’t take his news tip. His last message told me he was in a mental institution now.

This latest one was a man from the Dubai Islamic Bank making me an incredible offer.

“Hello Kimber

I am Mr.xxxxxxxxxx One Of the Managing
Director of Dubai Islamic Bank Dubai U.A.E. I write
you this proposal in good faith hoping that I will
rely on you in a business transaction that require
absolute confidentiality and of great interest and
benefit to our both families.

In 2007,one Mr.Husson Kimber an Emirate Citizen
whose surname is same as yours and has your country
in his file as his place of origin, made a fixed
deposit for 36 months,valued at $27,376,500.00 with
my bank. I was his account officer before I rose to
the position of Managing Director.
The maturity date for this deposit contract was 18th
of June 2010. Sadly Husson was among the death
victims in the September 2009 earthquake in Indonesia
that left over 1,200 people dead while he was there
on business trip.
Since the last quarter of 2010 until today, the
management of my bank have been finding means to
reach him so as certain if he will roll over the
Deposit or have the contract sum withdrawn . When I
discovered that this will happen, I have tried to
think up a procedure to preserve this funds and use
the proceeds for business. Some directors here have
been trying to find out from me the information about
this account and the owner, but I have kept it closed
because, I know that if they become aware that Mr.
Husson is late, they will divert the funds for
themselves. Therefore, am seeking your co-operation
to present you as the one to benefit from his fund at
his death since you have the same name, so that my
bank headquarters will pay the funds to you. I have
done enough inside bank arrangement and you only have
to put in your details into the information network
in the bank computers and reflect you as his next of
kin.If you concur with this proposal, I intend for
you to retain 50% of the funds while 50% shall be for
me.
Kindly forward your response to me.
Mr.xxxxxxxxxxx

Managing Director (Head of Dubai Islamic bank)”

I’ve always hated this sort of thing. Whether it is some religious person waking me up to answer the door, or someone calling to tell me I’ve been in an accident. It just pisses me off. If I saw the salesman or religious people heading to my door, in my teenage years, I’d strip off and answer the door naked. These days I have mellowed, so mostly I ignore these types of things.

But the other day. I just didn’t. I happened to be at my laptop enjoying a Test match, so I thought I’d respond. Plus I respected that even in his fake hustle he was taking a 50% cut.

“Hi xxxxxxxxxx,

Thank you so much for contacting me. Though sadly, you bring horrendous news, as you see Husson Kimber was my cousin, and I had not been told of his passing. So you have broken my heart into 74 pieces, I may never love again. Let me tell you a story of my cousin Husson. When we were seven we used to shoot wamp rats together out Tattooine. Husson was such a wonderful shot. Later on we discovered an ancient map and set out on a quest to find a legendary pirate’s long-lost treasure. And then, and I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, Husson and I found a non human entity who a love for telephones. Anyway, I was aware cousin Husson was quite the businessman, I remember him being involved in a successful commodities brokerage firm Duke & Duke in Philadelphia a a series of hilarious mishaps.

So yes, I do believe this money should be paid to me. What should I next? Do you need a photo of Husson and I from our youth, there is one of us standing over a dead body, before we went our own ways in life.”

Now, I regretted this message straight away, I played too many shots here. It was reckless, the idea is to get him on the hook, and instead I was yanking the line recklessly around the water. For almost 24 hours I received nothing, and I went on with my life.

Until…

“Salaam.

I want you to give me your email address so that I can send you more details and legal proof of document backing up this transaction here in my bank”

It was worth waiting a day for.

“This is all so wonderful. It feels like the day Husson offered me the red pill. I’ll happily be your bag man dude and honour cousin Husson. My life’s in your hand, xxxxxx dude.”

Then this.

“Are you proceeding with me dude”

I cannot fully articulate the happiness I felt when he said dude. I was so excited that I pressed enter on the next message before I’d finished writing it.

“I am proceeding with you< (sic)more than I have ever proceeded with anyone in my life.

You don’t understand what this means to me. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender, like Husson. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.”

At this point he was all business.

“Then I want you to write me short note on my email address so that I can send you more details and proof of legal document”

So I gave him my email, because I was already having far too much fun.

“Show me the money, XXXXXXX. xxxxxxxx@fakeemail.com”

And then I received this

“Hello Mr Kimber”

He’d upgraded me from Kimber at least.

“Hello XXXXXXX,

Greed, for want of a better word, is good.

To infinity and beyond.”

I think you can see by this point I have given up even pretending to build a narrative. I’m just mashing random film lines together. But, bless our scammer, he plows on.

“Hello Kimber

Thanks for your interest in my proposal. My initial proposal to you was to brief you on the need to assist me so that we take advantage of the death of my former customer in the bank.This transaction requires utmost trust and dedication from you, since you will be receiving the funds ($27,376,500.00) as the Beneficiary Next of Kin to Mr Husson Kimber who died on a business trip to Indonesia in September 2009 earthquake. I am under the believe that my sharing ratio is accepted by you, 50/50% is a fair deal. I want you to bear one thing in mind, this transaction is 100% risk free and secured once you follow my instructions. What I have to do is just to place your information in the bank system database as the Next of Kin to late Mr Husson Kimber and As the Head of Operation of Dubai Islamic Bank, placing your details in the system as the Next of Kin to late Husson is an easy work for me. This is a very easy job with me in the bank it will not last more than 2 to 3 weeks and the funds will be released to you.

As the Accounts manager to him , I have to take advantage of the situation to get the deposit he has with our bank instead of the bank heads to confiscate it for their selfish use. They are already rich because they get this type of business often and on

The information I require to commence the process is as follows:

1. FULL NAME
2. DATE OF BIRTH
3. OCCUPATION
4. CONTACT ADDRESS
5. PHONE NUMBER
6. SCANNED IDENTITY CARD

In receipt of the above-mentioned information, I will draft an application letter to you which you will use to apply to an accredited Consultant to the bank of Dubai whom I shall give you his contact details, am also sending you my bank identity card the deposit document of the funds as a proof, But most
Importantly, I will like you to assure me that you will not betray this trust and confidence that am about to repose on you.

Finally, I am hoping to meet you and your family as soon as we get the fund transferred into your account for disbursement and investments purpose. I wait for your email.

Best Regards.”

I appreciate the numbering of the required information. But he also sent in some photos. One was his ID, another was a bank certificate, both looked vaguely realistic. But then there was this picture.

Now, this was epic. The kind of overseas banks I trust the most are the ones who pile their cash on a table and take a picture of it. At this point I got in respected cricket journalist George Dobell to do a reverse image search. We were now a team of journalists hunting our own Watergate.

This is what the reverse image search found, a drug bust in Miami. Which is why there is a random TV reference in the next bit.

“Wow, xxxxxx, you’re so money, you don’t even know how money you are. This reminds picture reminds me of my old days working the beat with Crockett and Tubbs. Think we can make this simpler, why don’t you just put the money in a duffle bag, probably need an 80 litre one, and send it to me now. I am assuming the bills are unmarked. Where we’re going, we don’t need no paperwork.

But just incase you need it, here is my ID.”

The file name was “My totally legit ID”.

By this point he was starting to lose his patience.

“1. FULL NAME
2. DATE OF BIRTH
3. OCCUPATION
4. CONTACT ADDRESS
5. PHONE NUMBER
6. SCANNED IDENTITY CARD
Where are the remaining information your contact address and mobile number”

I did my best to answer them.

“You want answers. You are entitled, because you want answers. Or do you want the truth. But can you handle the truth.

McLovin Jarrod Kimber
11 Jun 1999
Computer Programmer
3 White Rabbit lane, Matrixville
555–7865

First Brooklyn Savings Bank is my bank, ask for Sonny, he has my details.”

While I waited for a reply, I went to search his fake name online to see what came of it.

This came of it.

George thinks this is someone else he has scammed made this. I like to think it is the scammer, and he is as bad at making woman/man have sex with him as he is getting my money. It’s also possible it’s the real man he’s scammed. Which is sad.

But mostly all of this is funny because the site is called Galactic Love.

For some reason he went back to twitter at this point, and he never got in touch about my email.

“Hello Mr Kimber I just send you more details and legal proof of document and I also demand for some of your information to register you as the beneficiary next of kin to Mr Husson Kimber . As soon as I get hold of the requested information I shall proceed further with the registration immediately Thanks .

send me your cricket identity card or your international passport and your home address including mobile number that drives licences belongs to MC LOVIN ok don’t be so stupid to waste your time ok”

I mean he is right, that license does belong to McLovin, though it has Harry Dean Stanton as the picture.

“McLovin is my first name, this is very rude of you XXXXXXX. I don’t use it publicly, as I’m embarrassed by it. I don’t have a cricket identity card. But I do have a Ramiz Raja card from 1987.

Honestly, it’s like you want to strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger.”

Then he went quiet, and I’ll be honest, I thought I’d lost him, but was happy I finished up with a line from Pulp Fiction. But you can’t keep a good scammer down.

“I said that identity can not be accepted I mean the driver licenses ok send me Ramiz Raja card”

This message was sent at 5:04PM. Eight minutes later I received this.

“You went to send me fake identity card mc loving identity card and attach your name on it with Rameez Hasan Raja is a Pakistani cricket commentator face on it you must me a stupid man ok”

I have never wanted to live in another person’s head more than I wanted to be in this guy for those eight glorious minutes. Where after all my bullshit, he finally looked some of these up, and the one he chose, of all the bullshit I had fed him, was the Ramiz Raja cricket card. Knowing that he was hoping to make money off me and he ended up looking at a google search of Ramiz Raja fills me with such joy.

Knowing that he was losing it, I quickly sent him my real ID, and the Ramiz card he had requested.

He blocked me almost immediately, with the grace and force of Ramiz Raja himself.

Although I have emailed him the link to the twitter thread I made of our time together.

He has not responded yet. I miss him.